Incompatibility of dance partners

As social dancers, most of us dance with anyone and everyone on a freestyle dance night. All levels of dancers, strangers, old friends and regular dance partners. Every dance is different. Even if you played the same track 3 times and danced it with 3 different people, you’d have very different experiences. One might be a dream dance, one might be nice enough and the other might be a total disaster.

When a dance isn’t working it isn’t just about someone being a worse dancer. I’ve had some lovely dances with beginners, and also had some awful dances with much more experienced dancers who just do their own thing and don’t take into account their partners. Excluding these people, sometimes dancers just aren’t compatible.

Why can dancers be incompatible?

(And can it be fixed?)

Physical reasons

Good dancers can adapt moves to dance with different shapes and heights of dancers, but sometimes the extremes are too much to make certain moves work. If a leader isn’t able or willing to adapt, or if a follower throws themselves harder than a lead is being led, then a dance won’t feel as safe or comfortable.

Less important in social dancing than on stage or possibly in competitions, how a couple looks together in terms of height difference can also make lines look awkward and not as good as dance partners who are more suited. If you compare it to ice dancing and pairs skating. Generally pairs skaters have a much shorter girl to enable them to be easily thrown or lifted. With ice dancers they’re more similar heights to make them look more streamlined when dancing together.

Fix it: with social dancing it’s all about adapting and being a good dance partner. Accepting and working with the differences. That’s the joy of social dancing like modern jive. Every dance and every partner is different.

Uneasy in each other’s company

If you don’t feel comfortable with your dance partner, there will always be a slight mismatch. One person may be trying to pull away, the other might be more comfortable being in close. If an agreement can’t be reached, the dance won’t work.

This uneasiness could be about something more – maybe one feels the other is inappropriate to dance with or they’ve had a bad experience before. Maybe they don’t feel safe to dance with in terms of the moves they’re being led.

Fix it (or not): with an underlying uneasiness that is likely to never be resolved, these are the people who’ll be unlikely to get on a dance floor together.

I say, accept it and don’t dance together. Hopefully the person making the other feel uneasy will get the message.

Judgements about the other person

If one dancer approaches a dance thinking they’re better than the other dancer, there’s automatically a disconnect. Dancers need to be more open in dances with new people or those as a different standard. I’ve experienced some lovely dances with beginners and they’ve really enjoyed the dance too without feeling under pressure. But I’ve also had awful dances with very capable dancers who obviously don’t like dancing with people who they think are below them in ability (wrong judgement or not) or in looks.

Fix it: some people just don’t like dancing with others, and you’ll never be good enough. Some you can prove them wrong by being a good dance partner yourself – show you want to improve and are improving over time.

But if they make you feel awful, and don’t appreciate the dance with you, let it go and find other people to dance with who do make you feel appreciated.

Self-confidence

Self confidence in your dancing makes a big difference to the way a dance looks and feels. There can be a mismatch if one person is over confident or feels comfortable putting themselves out there in a dance, but the other person is very timid and worried about their ability. Both dancers need to work within the other’s confidence level.

A prime example in this is in class when there’s a move where one or the other (quite often the follower) has to ‘wiggle’. Urgh. So many people cringe and hate this. While a class situation is never the same as on the freestyle floor in the semi darkness and you’re less worried about being seen, some people really hate this and others love it. It can make for awkwardness when dancing with someone who feels different to you.

Fix it: if you’re shy or nervous this can be reflected in your dancing. You could talk to your partner, say you hate that move or just don’t dance it. Hopefully they’ll get the message. Or embrace it, pretend noone’s watching and just go with it. Ideally practice with a partner you trust and are used to dancing with. It does get easier to be less self conscious when you’re dancing but it is hard to try at first.

The music

Everyone has certain music they love or just don’t gel with. One person in the dance partners might not ‘hear’ the beats or the same highs or lows in a track as the other person. And it might end up with a mismatch. My musical example is Ed Sheeran’s Shape of You which has a bit of a syncopated rhythm rather than straight. If you’re a person who wants to stick to the 1,2 beat, and your partner hears more of the syncopation, that partnership may struggle and fight against each other unless one partner adapts to the other’s rhythm.

I know I have people I love to dance with, but to certain speeds or types of music. I have people who I have amazing dances with to slower more expressive tracks. And other dancers I prefer to dance faster tracks with. But I know if we dance to a different type of track, we won’t get the same feeling or quality of dance. It’s not so much that we’re incompatible as dance partners, but just the music hasn’t fallen right for the way we enjoy dancing with each other.

Similarly, I’ve danced with strangers at freestyles and just haven’t liked the music so haven’t got into it (I’m looking at you 60s music – great to sing along to but I hate dancing to it). But the dance partnership itself went ok.

For me, music is the game changer. While the other factors show a real incompatibility between the actual dancers, music can make or break a dance and make it good, bad or great depending on who you’re dancing with.

Fix it: this is the easiest of the incompatibilities to fix. Decline dances to tracks that don’t work with that partner for saying you’ll grab them for a dance later (and do, to a track that works better). Tell them after a good dance to the type of music you like dancing with them to that you really enjoyed that, and how well you think you dance together to that type of music.

What do you struggle with in dancing with certain people? Or what is it that doesn’t work to certain tracks?

How were you able to improve things?